


Every version of you

by He_is_half_my_soul



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater, The Dreamer Trilogy - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Adam is leaving for college, Boys In Love, Call Down the Hawk Spoilers, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, POV Ronan Lynch, Post-The Raven King, Pre-Call Down the Hawk, Ronan Lynch Has Feelings, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish Fluff, and kinda angst?, and ronan is sad, but they are trying their best, inspired by call down the hawk preview, the dreamer trilogy, they are bad at communication, they are soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 07:03:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19102117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/He_is_half_my_soul/pseuds/He_is_half_my_soul
Summary: Adam Parrish is leaving for college and Ronan refuses to to think about what that really means.





	Every version of you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is actually my first writing attempt here. Hope you enjoy.  
> Have some soft boys being in love.

Adam is packing his things.

He is fucking packing his goddamned things to move to another city, to another state, and Ronan is staying behind.

Adam is leaving tommorow and Ronan refuses to think about what that really means.

He knows that he should have expected this. He has known that Adam's plans involved leaving Henrietta and everything in it for a long time but the problem is that Ronan is afraid that maybe he is laying somewhere among those.

The part of him, the not so selfish one, the one that has watched Adam struggling in this town for months, for years, the one that has seen Adam killing himself to be able to ensure a different future, a possibility of a different future, is incredibly proud and really, Adam being happy is everything Ronan has ever wished for.

But there is a piece of his heart that is already longing, a piece of his heart that he knows will be stolen away by Adam the moment he closes the door of his old and crappy car.

The thing is that by now he should have been used to longing for the boy with the high cheekbones and the magnetically beautiful hands. He should be an expert.

He had to hide his feelings for so long, try to conceal them behind stares full of want, behind accidental brushes of hands, behind fake sharp words and cold shoulders.

He is way too familiar with the feeling of wanting something so much that it consumes you, wanting it so much that is the only thing you can think about, wanting something _more_ so much but not being able to do anything about it for you do not want to lose what you already have.

Really, he knows what longing for Adam Parrish feels like.

It is just that now, now that he knows what being able to have him feels like, he is not sure he can survive going back.

He watches as Adam puts the last of his things that had been left wandering around the Barns for the last year neatly into his large suitcase, he watches as he checks once, twice, for anything forgotten inside the drawers, he watches as he takes one small sized photograph (the one that Gansey took of them last summer, Chainsaw sitting lightly on one of Adam's shoulders, while Adam is whispering something in Ronan's ears and Ronan's cheeks are bright with colour) from the wall above the bed where it was hunging along with a handful of others and places it carefully inside his backpack.

He feels like there are so much to be said and he doesn't know where to start.

He wants to cry and scream and shout and beg for Adam to stay with him but most of all he wants Adam to be happy and if that means that he can't be a part of his happiness anymore he will have to fucking deal with it.

When Adam finally zips up the last one of his bags and places it in the corner of the door of Ronan's bedroom, he looks up, his soft gaze meeting Ronan's one and tries a half smile.

"I think I'm done."

 _Don't leave me_ , Ronan wants to say but he doesn't.

He knows better.

"Fuck yeah you are, Parrish. Ready for your Harvard fucking welcome party all the other nerdy fuckers are going to host for you."

_Please_

Adam's smile turns a bit more genuine and a little more pained at the same time. Ronan knows that by now he can see through his words that try to fake indifference, through his cold gaze trained not to show a bit of the emotions that are burning inside his heart.

He moves a step closer to Ronan.

He opens his mouth slightly, as if to say something, closes it again, frowns a bit.

Ronan just watches from where he is leaning to the doorframe, not trusting himself to speak, to say anything that will not sound too much like come back.

Adam makes another step forward and frowns again and Ronan tries his best to fake a smirk, a smirk that has formed between his lips thousands of times before so faking it for once should be easy. It isn't.

"Cat got your tongue, Parrish?" God. He is not even fooling himself.

He doesn't have time to think about it further because Adam breaks first.

"You fucker," Adam chokes out and then his hands are wrapping themselves around Ronan's back, his nose hiding perfectly beneath his neck, his whole body coming onto Ronan with such a force that he is fully pressed against the door.

Ronan doesn't even think twice before he reciprocates, clinging onto Adam desperately, his hands locking strongly just above his waist and almost his whole face burried inside of Adam's curles.

"I'll miss you," Adam says after a moment and Ronan doesn't remember if he even has the time to say it back before he is pressing his lips against Adam's like life depends on it.

Adam responds hungrily, his one palm leaving Ronan's back in order to rest on the back of his neck like it belongs there, fingers digging through soft skin, making Ronan leave a moan that he doesn't even want to try and hide.

Ronan guides them to the bed, to the bed that had been _their_ bed for so long, and then one leg is pressed between Adam's, breaths coming out rugged and unsteady, quiet moans filling out the whole room and it's Adam, Adam, Adam and nothing else and for a moment Ronan lets himself forget that he will have to say goodbye to this, to _him_ , for months.

They lay there for a long while after, limbs tangled together, nose against nose, not being able to tell where the one stops and the other starts, and if Adam notices that Ronan's eyes are begging to water he doesn't say a thing.

It feels too fragile of a situation, too intimate and Ronan is afraid that a single blink of his eyes, a too loud breath can break the spell, destroy the pure perfection of this moment, this moment where it is just him and Adam and nothing in between them, them and nothing more.

He brings one of his thumbs to trace softly the outline of Adam's eyebrow and Adam's eyes close in contentment, his quiet and even breathing hitching a tiny bit then.

Adam brings Ronan's hand out of his face and enterwhines their fingers together, bringing his torso closer to Ronan in order to press a promise of a kiss just in the corner of Ronan's mouth.

 _Holy fuck_ , Ronan thinks, _holy fuck I'm far too gone._

Ronan follows his example, putting one free palm to Adam's neck right beneath his ear to bring him closer and bites softly his bottom lip.

_I love you_

They stay just like that for a little while more, exchanging nothing but glances. They don't speak, they don't need to.

But Ronan can sense that Adam thoughts are rising, he can recognize all to well the little frown on his forehead, the way he keeps his eyes closed a second longer after he blinks, the way his smile turns from genuine to unsure.

"Hmm?" he asks, because he needs to know what Adam is thinking, now probably more than ever and because he wants the careless, the repulsive version of Adam for as long as they have left.

"Do you--Is there--"

Adam doesn't finish. He just closes his eyes furiously, thinks a bit more and then skakes his head.

"No," he says then, "I can't ask you of this. I'm sorry."

Ronan brings Adam's head up so that their eyes are locked with the help of his fingers.

"Anything, Adam." he tells him, because it's true.

Adam's voice when he speaks is barely even a whisper,

"Is there any version of you that could come to Cambridge with me?"

Ronan melts. _This_ is what he needed to hear. There is no other sentence in the world that could break down all the insecurity, all the pain that had been hunting him for the past few days, no other sentence that could possibly make it so clear in the air that Adam wants him too, he will miss him, he wants Ronan threre with him.

 _Yes_ , he wants to say, _of course there is._

He wants to kiss Adam again, to confirm that he would come to Cambridge right now if he wants him to, that he would leave his old life in a second for him, that there is no life in the first place if they are not together.

He wants to seal Adam's fears with promises, to act like there was not ever another choice but this.

But Ronan is not a liar.

And he knows that while Adam craves for change Ronan has built his life half in the comfort of the known and the other half in dreams.

Ronan has spent half his life living a perfect life and the other half trying to get back to it.

Adam though, Adam has spent probably the whole number of his living days fighting with everyone and everything around him, fighting with himself most of all, to be able to change, to grow, to find something better that what he already had.

Adam has spent his whole life fighting for a future where he could start living instead of surviving.

Adam needs change. Ronan is not sure he has learned how to accept it.

But he will try because he has to. Because if what he needs to do to keep Adam Parrish in his life is changing it, he sure as hell will try.

He can't promise Adam that he will he able to follow him everywhere he goes but he is able to promise that he will always be there when he decides to come back.

_Is there any version of you that could come to Cambridge with me?_

"Maybe," he says instead, pressing his body even closer to Adam's so that his head is resting on his chest, his mouth already finding its way somewhere along his neck. "Maybe."

Adam nods, then nods again and a soft, a tiny, barely-there smile is playing on his lips and his heartbeat is steady and comforting under Ronan's ear, and his hands are making circles, tracing the ink on his bare back, and his eyes are closed but Ronan can still see the setting sun reflecting on them.

 _Maybe_ , Ronan thinks, is good enough for them both.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are love!
> 
> English is not my first language so feel free to correct me if I have made any sort of mistake.


End file.
